DAY ONE:

DAY ONE:

When I woke up this morning, I woke up craving. This was my usual routine. Half awake, use the restroom, put on a sweater, go straight to my purse, retrieve my morning cigarette, walk outside, sit on the porch and light up. I would sit there during this time and think about the day ahead of me. Try to wake up by stretching out my eyes and opening them wide. Ahhh......now I can hop in the shower.
Well, that didn’t happen this morning. I woke up. Remembered the conversation I had the night before. I remembered thinking for a second, “Oh screw it, just smoke one.” But then I remembered that I had flushed them down the toilet the night before. Too late now. I might as well follow through. No cigarettes to smoke. Ok, I got through the first craving.

I started the shower and hoped in. All the while thinking about how I shouldn’t have opened up that conversation last night. Then I wouldn’t be having to do this again. No, I’m doing the right thing. I kept arguing with myself. I finally resolved that I was going to do it this time and proceed to dress and get ready for work. Once dressed, I reached for one of the five or six remaining Nicotine patches I had remaining from my other attempts. I have used them off and on during these trials. I put the patch on and in a matter of minutes I was feeling semi normal again. “You can do this.” I kept telling myself. “You can do this, Natalie.” I know I can. It’s going to be hard but it is not impossible.

I left for work with a positive attitude and swollen eyes from the previous evening. The morning was fine. When I go to work, I started doing some research for some tools to help me through this journey. I came across a story about a woman named Barb Tarbox. Yes, her name is really Barb TAR-BOX. Barb was a smoker for 30 years. She started when she was 16 years old. Because she wanted to fit in. That’s why I started. It’s so funny, because when you’re young and the people tell you, “Don’t do things to fit in.” You’re like, “Oh, I would never do that.” But then we find ourselves as adults doing all those things we said we’d never do. Well, after 30 years of smoking, it had taken a toll on her body. She was diagnosed with cancer in her lungs and brain. She had only few months to live. She was only 41 years old. She had a husband and a ten year old daughter. She decided that she wasn’t going to give up just yet. She began to talk to schools about the dangers of smoking. People saw her and watched her die over a period of about seven months. “My fingers and knuckles are turning black because of radiation. I can smell my brain burning....and that’s cool?” I began to read about her and looking for pictures and it totally scared me. This woman used to be a model. Then she got cancer from smoking cigarettes and is bald and dying. Well, she already died. She died in 2003. She lived seven months after being diagnosed and she spent that time trying to convince people to quit smoking or to never start. I don’t want to be like her. I don’t want to be selfish anymore. It’s not about me. I have a five year old daughter. What is she going to do if I die with lung cancer? I want to be there for her. I want to see her graduate and go to college, get married and have children. I don’t want to be a memory.

So, today will probably be a hard day for me. But it’s worth it. Think of all the money I will save. Think of the health I am protecting. Think of all the people around me who don’t have to suffer the smell of that cigarette stench. It is worth it.

I WILL DO THIS!!!!

THE DECISION

Last night I had to make a decision. It was a hard decision. One that I have tried to make numerous times, but never committed to. Quit smoking. It sounds so easy to those of you who may have never struggled with an addiction. But to anyone who knows and has had any addiction, you understand. I’ve had people tell me, “Just don’t smoke again.” It’s that easy. If it was, who would smoke? I’ve also had people tell me, “It’s all mental, just tell yourself that you don’t want a cigarette and then don’t pick one up again.” Tried it. Failed. I’ve tried just about everything absent the pills. I’ve done the gum, the patch, the dreaded cold-turkey, the substitute it with exercise thing, the substitute it with food thing, the cut-down and the make your self sick solution. It hasn’t worked. But now it’s affecting something far more important than my desire to smoke. Some of you may disagree with what I am about to say, and some may totally understand.

Let me start by saying, I am IN LOVE. I am so in love with a wonderful man. He is absolutely beautiful to me. He has asked me to quit smoking dozens of times and I have tried and failed him over and over again. “That’s why you can’t quit,” I’ve heard, “You have to do it for yourself.” Well, what do you do when you don’t want to quit, but someone you love dearly won’t have it any other way? Well, you stop being selfish and you give it another shot.

That’s what I am doing. Except it’s not just another shot. It’s my last shot. I told my love last night that if I failed this time that I would walk away. He is tired of going through it all. I don’t blame him. Withdrawal symptoms, lying, hiding, stinky breath. If I were in his shoes, I would probably be the same way. I begged him for another shot. He has given me so many already. But, he agreed. But with one exception. I had to get through the first month alone.

ALONE? No Support? No one to encourage me? My family pretty much consists of smokers, so I won’t get any help there. Most of my friends smoke, with a few exceptions. I don’t have anybody else. But, he is definitely worth it. So, I decided if I couldn’t get the support I needed, I would have to rely on myself. I am creating this BLOG to track my success. I will succeed this time. I cannot give up. I cannot lose him.

So, this is where I will begin.

I will try to update daily. I am sure no one will read this anyway, so it doesn’t matter, but this is how I’ll do it. For myself. I can see how I dealt with cravings and encourage myself daily. Hey, it’s totally possible.

Good luck, Natalie! You can do it! I know you can!!!!!