DAY ONE:
DAY ONE:
When I woke up this morning, I woke up craving. This was my usual routine. Half awake, use the restroom, put on a sweater, go straight to my purse, retrieve my morning cigarette, walk outside, sit on the porch and light up. I would sit there during this time and think about the day ahead of me. Try to wake up by stretching out my eyes and opening them wide. Ahhh......now I can hop in the shower.
Well, that didn’t happen this morning. I woke up. Remembered the conversation I had the night before. I remembered thinking for a second, “Oh screw it, just smoke one.” But then I remembered that I had flushed them down the toilet the night before. Too late now. I might as well follow through. No cigarettes to smoke. Ok, I got through the first craving.
I started the shower and hoped in. All the while thinking about how I shouldn’t have opened up that conversation last night. Then I wouldn’t be having to do this again. No, I’m doing the right thing. I kept arguing with myself. I finally resolved that I was going to do it this time and proceed to dress and get ready for work. Once dressed, I reached for one of the five or six remaining Nicotine patches I had remaining from my other attempts. I have used them off and on during these trials. I put the patch on and in a matter of minutes I was feeling semi normal again. “You can do this.” I kept telling myself. “You can do this, Natalie.” I know I can. It’s going to be hard but it is not impossible.
I left for work with a positive attitude and swollen eyes from the previous evening. The morning was fine. When I go to work, I started doing some research for some tools to help me through this journey. I came across a story about a woman named Barb Tarbox. Yes, her name is really Barb TAR-BOX. Barb was a smoker for 30 years. She started when she was 16 years old. Because she wanted to fit in. That’s why I started. It’s so funny, because when you’re young and the people tell you, “Don’t do things to fit in.” You’re like, “Oh, I would never do that.” But then we find ourselves as adults doing all those things we said we’d never do. Well, after 30 years of smoking, it had taken a toll on her body. She was diagnosed with cancer in her lungs and brain. She had only few months to live. She was only 41 years old. She had a husband and a ten year old daughter. She decided that she wasn’t going to give up just yet. She began to talk to schools about the dangers of smoking. People saw her and watched her die over a period of about seven months. “My fingers and knuckles are turning black because of radiation. I can smell my brain burning....and that’s cool?” I began to read about her and looking for pictures and it totally scared me. This woman used to be a model. Then she got cancer from smoking cigarettes and is bald and dying. Well, she already died. She died in 2003. She lived seven months after being diagnosed and she spent that time trying to convince people to quit smoking or to never start. I don’t want to be like her. I don’t want to be selfish anymore. It’s not about me. I have a five year old daughter. What is she going to do if I die with lung cancer? I want to be there for her. I want to see her graduate and go to college, get married and have children. I don’t want to be a memory.
So, today will probably be a hard day for me. But it’s worth it. Think of all the money I will save. Think of the health I am protecting. Think of all the people around me who don’t have to suffer the smell of that cigarette stench. It is worth it.
I WILL DO THIS!!!!
When I woke up this morning, I woke up craving. This was my usual routine. Half awake, use the restroom, put on a sweater, go straight to my purse, retrieve my morning cigarette, walk outside, sit on the porch and light up. I would sit there during this time and think about the day ahead of me. Try to wake up by stretching out my eyes and opening them wide. Ahhh......now I can hop in the shower.
Well, that didn’t happen this morning. I woke up. Remembered the conversation I had the night before. I remembered thinking for a second, “Oh screw it, just smoke one.” But then I remembered that I had flushed them down the toilet the night before. Too late now. I might as well follow through. No cigarettes to smoke. Ok, I got through the first craving.
I started the shower and hoped in. All the while thinking about how I shouldn’t have opened up that conversation last night. Then I wouldn’t be having to do this again. No, I’m doing the right thing. I kept arguing with myself. I finally resolved that I was going to do it this time and proceed to dress and get ready for work. Once dressed, I reached for one of the five or six remaining Nicotine patches I had remaining from my other attempts. I have used them off and on during these trials. I put the patch on and in a matter of minutes I was feeling semi normal again. “You can do this.” I kept telling myself. “You can do this, Natalie.” I know I can. It’s going to be hard but it is not impossible.
I left for work with a positive attitude and swollen eyes from the previous evening. The morning was fine. When I go to work, I started doing some research for some tools to help me through this journey. I came across a story about a woman named Barb Tarbox. Yes, her name is really Barb TAR-BOX. Barb was a smoker for 30 years. She started when she was 16 years old. Because she wanted to fit in. That’s why I started. It’s so funny, because when you’re young and the people tell you, “Don’t do things to fit in.” You’re like, “Oh, I would never do that.” But then we find ourselves as adults doing all those things we said we’d never do. Well, after 30 years of smoking, it had taken a toll on her body. She was diagnosed with cancer in her lungs and brain. She had only few months to live. She was only 41 years old. She had a husband and a ten year old daughter. She decided that she wasn’t going to give up just yet. She began to talk to schools about the dangers of smoking. People saw her and watched her die over a period of about seven months. “My fingers and knuckles are turning black because of radiation. I can smell my brain burning....and that’s cool?” I began to read about her and looking for pictures and it totally scared me. This woman used to be a model. Then she got cancer from smoking cigarettes and is bald and dying. Well, she already died. She died in 2003. She lived seven months after being diagnosed and she spent that time trying to convince people to quit smoking or to never start. I don’t want to be like her. I don’t want to be selfish anymore. It’s not about me. I have a five year old daughter. What is she going to do if I die with lung cancer? I want to be there for her. I want to see her graduate and go to college, get married and have children. I don’t want to be a memory.
So, today will probably be a hard day for me. But it’s worth it. Think of all the money I will save. Think of the health I am protecting. Think of all the people around me who don’t have to suffer the smell of that cigarette stench. It is worth it.
I WILL DO THIS!!!!
posted by Natalie at 2:59 PM
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